Friday Fictioneers 5/10/2012
Mariska shivered from the chill wind as she hurried through the dark woods. The moon slid in and out of the clouds making the faint path difficult to see. Twice she wandered off it to find herself stumbling over roots and downed branches, then had to turn around and search out the trail again.
Jake’s size twelve boots left clear imprints in the muddy ground. He was easy to follow when there was enough light to see. The next time the light faded, she stopped. As she waited patiently for the white orb to show its face once more, she pricked her ears forward, listening for the sound of his clothing brushing against the low hanging branches.
A vivid and comprehensive description of the difficulties of tracking someone in the dark. The phrase, ‘finally she began stopping’ distracted me slightly, though I knew what you were saying. Nicely done.
Incidentally, the link you posted didn’t bring me directly to this page.
Mine’s at: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/you-called-friday-fictioneers-may-2012/
Thanks Sandra for the constructive criticism. I don’t have anyone to do that for me, at the moment. I see what you mean about the phrase. I guess I need to give more thought to how things sound outside my own head.
Sorry about the link. I’ll try to go back and figure out what happened, then fix it.
I had to go back to see what Sandra was referring to. Evidently, you fixed it because nothing bothered me.
Yes, I did fix it. A simple sentence restructuring. I should have noticed the awk to myself.
One of the perks of being a Fictioneer is getting people to point out our misses. All writers need it and none of us are perfect all the time 😉 When my writerly self grows up, I want to be able to write it right the first time…
Yes, I did fix it. A simple sentence restructure. I should have seen the awk of it myself.
Nice 🙂
Here’s mine: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-painting-creation/
Thanks, Linda. I’m headed over to yours now.
There is much mystery in the words above, and suspense too. Perhaps, you could expand further. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/fridayfictioneers-tanoas-baby/
Hello Celestine, Thanks for the kind words. I’m new at this and I haven’t quite got the knack of fashioning a complete story in only a few words.
It’s a good exercise, but I always want to expand further. My choice of reading matter tends toward series. I’m rarely satisfied with only one book if I really enjoy the characters. We read many of the same authors, so I’m sure you understand my feelings there.
Sure do, Melody. But this seems such a good one, maybe a short story you know. I still believe you can do it.
When I first read Mariska all I could think of was Hargitay and Mike Meyers’ guru. I’m curious why the doggy is looking for Jake. Size 12 shoes means he’s at least an adolescent. Intriguing story. Well done.
Wakefield
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/05/the-good-old-days-friday-fictioneers.html
Mariska isn’t really a dog. She’s basically human, but not from Earth.
I liked it, Melody – a real sense of atmosphere here. I wonder where Jake is, and why Mariska is following him.
Thanks very much for your comment on ours (which is at http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/moon-and-sky for those who wish to visit.)
PS I like reading – and writing – series as well. The characters just want it that way! 😉
Thanks Joanna, I’m not sure. The idea started out with Mariska (the protagonist in a SciFi Fantasy idea I’m playing with.) in the woods on a cold dark night. It needed action, so she started to move and everything else just evolved from there. It’s what I love most about writing when the characters just take off and do their own thing.
Good story. I wonder what sort of creature she is that can prick ears forward but cannot track by smell?
Mine is short and here http://createrealitylivelife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-flash-fiction-2/
See, that’s what I was wanting someone to notice. Most of my flash fiction is set in the format on one or the other of my novel ideas. This one is a SciFi Fantasy kind of thing. Thanks for picking up on it.
See that’s what I wanted someone to pick up on. This will be a scene in my scifi fantasy novel if I ever get back to work on it.
Dear Melody,
Your piece was very well put together, from a competent description of what it’s like to track someone in the dark (and light) to the pitch and timbre of your narrator’s thoughts. Description and pace set the tone for your slice of a larger mystery. Very well done.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/last-of-the-first/
For your readers. (Thanks for walking on the moon with me!)
Thanks Doug. I really envy those of you who claim Hawaii as home. It’s one of those places I dream of visiting someday.
Hello again…Welcome to Friday Fictioneers!! Thank you for visiting me. This is wonderful. I followed her and the moonlight … stopping and starting along the way. Wonder who Jake is and why she’s following him? Does she suspect he is being unfaithful? Personal note: Don’t fret. I was in the same boat when I began…wondering how in the devil would I get my thoughts down in only 100 words. I figured out…if I over write, then edit it down to the nuts and bolts….I amaze myself with the result…realizing I didn’t need those deleted words after all.
A nice description. The little pauses especially help give a pensive feeling to it, so that we can almost feel the quiet forest around her. Fits really well with the photo this week!
Thanks for your comment on mine. I’ll leave the link anyway, just in case haha
Brian (http://pinionpost.com/2012/05/11/the-runaway/)
Thanks Brian. I really liked your descriptions too. Definitely always leave the link. That’s how I follow the trail and I’m sure others use the same method.
Thanks for stopping by on my blog. I found myself wandering if your main character is human or not. I also began to wonder why she was following this person. I guess that makes your story a good bait. One thing, is she looking for the trail or is she tracking him? Because that would change my expectation once she finds him. I would love to see how this pans out.
Here’s mine for those who haven’t see it. Thanks for the catch by the way: http://remakingme-atiyatownes.blogspot.com/2012/05/friday-flash-fiction-birthing.html
Thanks for the kind words. She’s almost human…yes to tracking him, I’m not sure why myself. I didn’t realize she was when I started.
At first, I thought she was running away, not following. I’ll have to revisit and see what emerges.
Love the descriptors, very nice scene setting, the pricking of the ears forward made me wonder at her nature. Human or more than human? Nicely done and welcome to the party.
Here’s mine: http://teschoenborn.com/2012/05/10/friday-fictioneers-et-wannabe/
Ah, thank you. You’re only the second person to notice the ears. Good catch. Yes, more than.
“she pricked her ears forward” – that makes the whole story for me. Up till then, I assumed Mariska was human. But afterwards?
My story – http://newpillowbook.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-lunacy/
Sharon, sorry it took me so long to find your comment. For some indecipherable reason the system put it into the spam folder. Mariska isn’t totally human, but she is humanoid, just from a different world with a slightly different anatomy and very different physical/mental adaptations.
Fascinating, I’m new here and I’m wondering if this is a section of an ongoing piece? It’s left me wondering what will happen next!
Welcome to our group. I’m fairly new myself. This is my second offering. In answer to your question. It was written on the fly, especially for this exercise. However, the character is from one of the novel ideas I’ve been playing with for a couple of years. It could easily wind up in the story. I’m not sure what’s next. She hasn’t told me that part yet. 🙂
Very nicely done description of a creature tracking by moonlight. Like some others, I wondered what creature? It seemed like a human in that it got off the track and stumbled on roots, but then its ears pricked forward, suggesting a wolf-dog-fox.
Actually, she’s human (sort of), but not Earth human.
I enjoyed your story and have walked trails at night before too. Just trying to get up my driveway after dark is a challenge and I would also have had to stop to wait for the moon to come back out of the clouds. Great description!
Thanks Madison. I’m glad you made it by. Next time, I need to make myself a list as I visit. At this point, I’m not sure if I made it to all of the sites and, if not, I’d have no idea which ones I missed. Thanks for running this. It’s loads of fun.